Mums: It’s OK not to do all the things. We all need an ‘I don’t’ list

I read this post this morning and resonated deeply.

This bit really got me:

‘How could you possibly be [doing enough]? You’re a woman, living in an age of extreme expectation. Superwoman Syndrome has shaken off its shoulder pads, pulled on its activewear leggings and buddied up with Hustle Culture to provide you a continual feed of All The Ways You Could Be Better.  If you’re a woman with a child, then throw in a dose of Peak Parenting, and the bar for a successful life is now so high the Hubble telescope would squint.’

That’s me, right there. Constantly worrying if I am doing enough and constantly finding myself lacking. I need to give myself a break. So, note to self….

The ‘am I doing enough?’ piece is particularly strong in mums of special needs children.

A lot of our kids need extreme levels of support to accomplish the smallest of tasks. It’s a long-term project with no finish line in sight. We wonder if we are doing to enough to:

• Support their communication needs
• Develop their communication
• Keep their posture in check so as to avoid hip and spine complications
• Meet their nutritional needs
• Provide enough therapy
• Provide the right therapy
• Allow them some fun
• Make life full and fulfilling
• Promote independence
• Make life accessible to them
• Support our partners
• Support our other children

And that’s before we even get on to worrying about the fact we aren’t really making an income, let alone forging a side hustle.

The writer of the post suggests that we share an I don’t list, because it’s all too easy to see people’s social media highlight reels and think that they have it all. I work in social media (sporadically) and even I get sucked into the comparison trap.

I am prone to thinking that everyone’s house looks like a photoshoot is about to happen. That no one shouts at their kids. That everyone spends their days doing nurturing wholesome outdoor activities, not putting on a Disney film while they do some work or mop the floors. That every half term is the chance for an exciting family get away. I KNOW that’s not real life, but the more time you spend online, the more you forget that.

So, while I admit that I am a privileged, able-bodied white woman who has a hell of a lot, I do not have or do it all. Here’s my list of don’ts… (there’s quite a lot of overlap with the post that inspired this one. Not because I am copying her, just that a lot of our don’ts are the same – which I hope is reassuring to you non-cooking/cleaning/ironing mums out there)

I don’t currently have a regular income

I don’t put both children to bed every night. I do one and my husband or a carer does the other

I don’t have a girl gang (my friends are scattered around and we certainly don’t do any kind of regular SATC brunch catch ups

I don’t call my friends for a chat on the phone

I don’t remember to send many birthday cards or presents and any that I do remember will be at least a week late

I don’t make dinner – my husband does most of the cooking. He’s brilliant at it

I don’t exercise regularly

I don’t keep my house tidy. I mean, I tidy up a lot, but 90 per cent of the time it looks like the Tasmanian Devil blew through the lounge

I don’t iron

I don’t put away the clean laundry more than once a week

I don’t wear make-up every day (or even most days)

I don’t manage to wash my face before bed

I don’t parent perfectly and peacefully all the time

I don’t do T’s therapy every day (especially in the holidays, which I don’t feel guilty about as family life comes first)